paper folding

2008-07-10T19:31:00.002+08:00

WHAM, BAM, THANK YOU M'AM

i will never forget this last year in law school. today, i found out the 'why', and... post-shock, it all makes sense. the unhappy solution, the one which i've spent a good part of this holidays steeling myself for, is so clearly the only way that right now i don't even feel sad or afraid of it. it simply must be done.

as for this change in me, i have only the most childish answer to it. i only hope that when i re-emerge, i will no longer feel the need to neglect my friends, and i can pick up where i left off with some people that i'd hoped would be a bigger part of my summer.

2008-07-08T14:49:00.002+08:00

why so fast why so fast there's only slightly more than a month left to the summer and there are so many things i haven't done that i want to do and now i'm slightly panicky because i am sick AGAIN i think staying up till 5 a couple of times in the last week really did me in i want to get well right now so i can continue playing and seeing people and relishing every minute of this freedommmmmmm

2008-07-05T23:03:00.002+08:00

i had a fantastically long day yesterday. it started in the morning with beatrice, a truckload of bad luck but also the biggest surprise this summer holidays, and ended with the most ridiculous movie i've seen in a long time and some of my favourite people from law school. i went to bed at 5 feeling smiley and tired beyond words and didn't wake up until 2 in the afternoon because father said 'we are going out at 3 wake up wake up.'

braces still are a bitch and my incessant whining about it must really get to people. thankfully there are sweet friends who comfort me and help find food that i can eat so i do not have to be in a state of hunger 24/7 (:

2008-07-04T01:47:00.003+08:00

RELIEF :D

Dear Sir/Mdm

NUS FACULTY AWARD 2007/2008 (SEMESTER 2)

- RENEWAL OF SCHOLARSHIP AWARD

We have noted with concern your performance in the university examination for Semester 2 of AY2007/2008. Your performance has been up to expectations.

We are glad to inform you that your scholarship has been renewed for Semester 1 of AY2008/2009. Your performance will be closely monitored and your scholarship will be reviewed again at the end of the following semester.

ALSO, i found this sexy thing during my 2 hours at dome this evening ohhh to have money!

2008-07-03T01:11:00.002+08:00

how how how how give me back my invincibility my indifference this is what makes me feel old and lament about being 20 not aching backs not money nor responsibilities it is this caring too much needing so badly feeling like any one of them could make my day absolute shit or send me to bed delirious with happiness how how how teach me how to stop and push back what's been pulled out of me

2008-07-02T02:41:00.002+08:00

i was really bummed this morning because i found i couldn't eat rice, or omelette, or even veggies. i spent the late morning and afternoon being hungry and trying to think of food i didn't have to chew to eat. dinner was at overhyped italian place at gardens; i had soup and salad ('yes, that is all i'm having') and gelato for dessert. SO UNSATISFYING so i ended up going out for porridge at night as well.

WHAI ME, OH WHAI ):

2008-07-01T00:31:00.002+08:00

my threshold for pain is just too low, the panadol isn't working and i'm a whiney little ass right now. i must remember to keep my mouth away from magnets, hmm.

2008-06-30T00:37:00.002+08:00

the rain tonight brought some relief, but i still want my life from early 2007, if you please.

2008-06-28T12:04:00.002+08:00

yesterday i met beatrice at the gym we used to go when we were studying for a's and as usual, we sat around while weights clanked and boys grunted and we just talked. i tested my luck again at the holland v carpark, even though while walking down the stairs we saw 4 parking aunties huddling together before being set loose on all who dared to cheat the government. i will always have to push my luck and see how much i can get away with, and for how long. after that i drove to pick princess seto from sunset way and we headed to a place called the running lab where she got to try out running shoes and run on a treadmill while the sales assistant assessed her feet. we had lunch (my second) at world's lousiest japanese restaurant; they actually served california roll with tuna spread in it. after that we watched get smart with many other jc students and the night ended at mos burger. i went home to one very happy and one very upset sister. youngest was elected head of student council, the other realised she hadn't sent in acceptance forms to nus. we stayed up talking till 1 am and then i fell asleep, overwhelmed by all the day's surprises.

2008-06-24T20:48:00.002+08:00

i succumbed and ate a tim tam but i figure that will only put me back by a few hours on the road to recovery.
3 days to death cab tickets, ANYONE? :DDD
i am going crazy trying to figure out how to find a particular message setting on my new phone. i also hope i will not regret buying this new phone when the new iphone comes out in a while with its gorgeous screen and if i do REMEMBER, RACHEL, there are bugs and camera sucks and cannot sms without looking!
dentist today left me with sore gums and sensitive teeth... and still i eat too much healthy soba. the overeating has become a way of life i think.
CEW is leaving next week, so monday to wednesday is declared screw holiday, no one is allowed to have any other plans, by decree of your Manager.
today i took a big step in admitting to myself something i've refused to acknowledge for the longest time. wow that sounds even dumber when i type it out than in my head.
i am staying up too late for someone who is supposed to be recovering but i am restless !

2008-06-23T15:47:00.002+08:00

i think i've had too much fun this week. what i thought was just overeating turned out to be stomach flu. so, soldier down! the most difficult part of today has been keeping from eating the chocolate muffins in the kitchen.

2008-06-21T01:35:00.002+08:00

i will soon be wearing size 30 jeans.

sushi and soba for lunch, immediately followed by ice cream and a few meatballs at ikea, then dinner and desserts at a new place, tin hill near sixth avenue, followed by a second round of dessert at chomp chomp. i need to go lie down now.

2008-06-19T23:11:00.000+08:00

DEATH CAB IS COMING ZOMG THIS WEEK JUST GETS BETTER AND BETTER (((((((((((:

2008-06-19T02:11:00.001+08:00

2008-06-19T01:10:00.003+08:00

i thought heart was content after last night, then beef tongue ice cream magic of birthdays pouring bubble solution prank bonus roses and sparklers for the last 5 minutes of cass's birthday has filled it. i am spoilt and smelly and sleepy and greedily wish none of this would stop.

2008-06-14T13:44:00.002+08:00

another day in our holiday week.

2008-06-12T23:35:00.003+08:00

for the sake of breaking this dry spell...

today: shopping bowling chinese dinner drinks at mt faber.

Text

I tend the mobile now
like an injured bird.

We text, text, text
our significant words.

I re-read your first,
your second, your third,

look for your small xx,
feeling absurd.

The codes we send
arrive with a broken chord.

I try to picture your hands,
their image is blurred.

Nothing my thumbs press
will ever be heard.

2008-06-08T22:49:00.002+08:00

scene: toilet on some level in takashimaya
random short old-ish woman: aren't you too young to be engaged?

O_O

2008-06-01T22:17:00.003+08:00

age is my alarm clock; i have not been able to sleep past 10 since the holidays started. this frightens me more than when parents bring me to look at possible presents for my 21st. it takes forever to fall asleep even when i feel like i've had an exhausting day. i lie in bed until parts of my body fall asleep and give me pins and needles, why is my brain so determined to be awake when i just want to drink in hours and hours of dream-less sleep?

2008-05-28T23:48:00.002+08:00

today was actually quite good. strangely, the body count is rising but i don't seem to notice very much. what i do notice is how often i start a pro/con list in my head, how the sky was gloriously gloomy for a while today, and how often my stomach feels empty.

today was actually quite good so please wait for me i am slowly making my way.

2008-05-26T10:25:00.002+08:00

THE DREAMS they will not stop!

is someone up there testing me, seeing how much i can take? this is as far as i can bend stop stop stop what did i do in my past life huh oh shit is this karma getting back the things we did to k-? no this is what you get for being blind and stupid. i will not mock stupid people again, is that enough repentance?

2008-05-22T20:20:00.000+08:00

good things come to those who wait

maybe life is a song but you're scared to sing along until the very ending

Arethusa arose
    From her couch of snows,
  In the Acroceraunian mountains

I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead;
I lift my lids and all is born again.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

this is nothing. people come in and out of your life, you stop to think about them once in a while, and then you go on, and you get used to it.

2008-05-19T22:06:00.000+08:00

1. eat vegetables with every meal
2. drink 8 cups of water a day
3. don't sleep later than... 12?
4. drink water when you wake up and drink water before you sleep
5. wear a scarf if it's cold and always bring a jacket if it might be cold out
6. if it's still cold with a jacket on, find a fat person to hug
7. sleep 8 hours a day
8. get some exercise... like walking a lot at least
9. eat fruits or drink juice for vitamin c
10. wash your hands at least 5 times a day!

christine i will miss you so have a lot of fun to justify my missing you which has already started

2008-05-18T21:40:00.004+08:00

2008-05-11T02:15:00.000+08:00

laif is good is good is good (:

2008-05-07T19:23:00.003+08:00

summary of last night before last exam:

darrell> says:
over?!

---shun--- back in the game says:
last paper tmr?

[Maverick] - YNWA - you better learn how to laugh, or learn not to cry says:
thought you were done already

summary of today:

(on guitar hero)
SCHOOOOOL'S OOOOOOOOUT FOR THE SUMMER!
SCHOOOOOL'S OOOOOOOOUT FOR-EVER!

2008-05-06T13:00:00.004+08:00

i really seem to think exams are over, it's amazing. yesterday post-contract was spent trying to study with a stomach full from lunch and cheesecake and island creamery and eventually ended with cedele pancakes and missing meatballs on the level 2 couches where people have passed out piss drunk on before. my evil friends wanted to have supper after that but i was so sleepy and determined to have an early start today on studying that i PUT MY FOOT DOWN. alas, i slept obscenely late i dare not say what time but my head now weighs 100 kg and sinus is bad and i just woke up.

the panic will set in tomorrow night, or thursday morning, i know i know. but OH, THURSDAY i cannot cannot cannot wait.

i am insanely jealousssssss-
of wj who is watching deathcab in concert
of cass whose exams are finishing in a few hours
of my sixteen-year-old self who was untouchable and immune and invincible

2008-05-05T16:39:00.001+08:00

i don't use this word often, but this man is sexy.

proof evidence comfort letter

2008-05-04T21:20:00.000+08:00

Christine 'The soles of your shoes are all worn down.' what-a-thrill.blogspot.com says:
YA IT'S AMAZING HOW LITTLE I KNOW
Christine 'The soles of your shoes are all worn down.' what-a-thrill.blogspot.com says:
like.. really WTH
* rachel i am not rachel says:
next year
* rachel i am not rachel says:
we will be better students
* rachel i am not rachel says:
okay
* rachel i am not rachel says:
this time for real
* rachel i am not rachel says:
FOR SURE
* rachel i am not rachel says:
PROMISE
* rachel i am not rachel says:
SWEAR
Christine 'The soles of your shoes are all worn down.' what-a-thrill.blogspot.com says:
hahahahahahaha
Christine 'The soles of your shoes are all worn down.' what-a-thrill.blogspot.com says:
RACHEL YOU BETTER TAKE THE ABOVE AND USE AS WALLPAPER
Christine 'The soles of your shoes are all worn down.' what-a-thrill.blogspot.com says:
THROUGHOUT NEXT YEAR
Christine 'The soles of your shoes are all worn down.' what-a-thrill.blogspot.com says:
because every year I say same thing to myself
* rachel i am not rachel says:
DONT BELIEVE ME AH
* rachel i am not rachel says:
i also
* rachel i am not rachel says:
but next year
Christine 'The soles of your shoes are all worn down.' what-a-thrill.blogspot.com says:
been saying it to you since rgs eh
* rachel i am not rachel says:
will be different!

2008-05-02T12:30:00.002+08:00

mistake #1: coming to school early to chope classroom for andre... when he came 2 minutes after me
mistake #2: starting boggle, which stretched for 2 hours
mistake #3: agreeing to go for supper at maxwell (because we ended up leaving at 3 in the morning)

the next few days are going to be a nightmare except pinching won't help :/

2008-05-01T11:37:00.000+08:00

uh oh. ming ate them all.

2008-04-30T11:48:00.003+08:00

Up there, a finger and two dots away.

my fingers feel most alive when playing piece after piece on the piano, and when i MSN furiously. i think they've grown longer since last night?

also, arm is stiff from throwing shuttles and fending off kids trying to pull off my hair tie.

2008-04-29T21:27:00.002+08:00

holiday has started already.

yeah, i wish.

after legal theory i tried to spend every minute having fun ((: lunch at raffles city then movie then squash then special o then dinner IT FEELS V GOOD TO NOT HAVE TO STUDY. for one day only la, but still! tomorrow it's back to studying. here's a secret: i didn't feel indulgent at all taking a break for all of today, even though there were people who went straight to studying after this morning's paper. now i will MSN for the rest of the night to use up every minute of this freedom!

lucky - isn't very lucky anymore hmmmmmmmm :/

2008-04-28T19:40:00.001+08:00

IT SEEMS WITH EVERY EXAM I REACH NEW HEIGHTS OF PANIC

2008-04-27T10:27:00.002+08:00

being in school like this is bearable because there are people to make it so.

last night the sky was so clear we would have seen meteor showers... if they weren't already over. i discovered that tilting your head up for an extended period of time makes you lose your balance (why does that happen, cass?) we had an italian dinner at one of the benches in the quad and it was v pretty. even now, school grounds are unbelievably nice. it is very easy to go outside for a short break and find yourself chatting with someone for much too long.

freshmen-to-be have been coming in for interviews, ZO ZTRANGE. i was just there! i will not express any more shock at the fact that in a few weeks year 1 will be over. why am i so slow? this has been happening all my life, i should have gotten used to it ages ago.

heart burst already

2008-04-23T20:59:00.001+08:00

2008-04-23T12:29:00.000+08:00

friends, i really have uninstalled MSN.

till we meet again <3

2008-04-22T11:58:00.003+08:00

maybe i'm a lot more stressed than i realise, or i'm surrounded by bad influences. i've been doing things that i would usually be too chicken to do (i won't say 'good' because the truth is i'm just chicken). it's funny to imagine us blacklisted by campus security, because nobody here gets drunk enough to thrash the place so people who try to drive the security buggy away are the only dangers at BTC. i'm trying very hard to remember this will only last for 2 more weeks and that i ought to work hard to deserve holidays but... many many distractions, even in school. soon i will have to uninstall msn and break off all contact with the world.

2008-04-20T09:48:00.002+08:00

last night= wonderful

it didn't matter that all my studying efforts were rubbish. around 10, wj came clomping in her heels and i had to tiptoe to give her a hug. miss seto was (as per normal) late, but when she finally came we drove down to dempsey for some food and b&j's. after that i showed them a bit of life at btc and we just made noise and spent time together. cass gushed about exploding bathtubs ('science is cool') and wj and i talked rubbish to brian ('don't try smoking ah. don't okay.') my heart was twice its usual size the whole time.

yesterday i also went for dinner with family for the first time in what feels like very very long. in reality it may have been just about 2 weeks, but it feels like it's been forever. my parents' TV caught fire and i didn't even know. this last week has been VERY LONG.

2008-04-18T00:46:00.002+08:00

day i-don't-know-what of attempting to study went something like this:

wake up late
go to school
finish 3 cases
go out for lunch
read 3 pages of an article
go for golf
buy and eat dinner
chit chat with random people
play boggle for an hour
pack up and go home

i ate more than i learnt, and i was most focused when playing boggle. i am panicking slightly because liane lawr classmate was lamenting about her rate of 2 seminars/day (when i took 3 days to finish 1 article from 1 seminar) and the one person whom i thought was THE slackest person in law school is ahead of me in legal theory.

for christine: i miss you too. don't be too busy being happy, find time to study and think of us, and don't ever ask me again when exams are!

2008-04-16T21:03:00.002+08:00

sunday: prepare to moot
monday: moot
tuesday: attempt to study
wednesday: attempt again

if not for all the good things in between, i'd have been miserable. i hope everyone's studying and doing okay, finding the discipline to get through all they have to get through and finding relief when they need it.

if not... 9102933405965778 (:

2008-04-12T00:35:00.002+08:00

in the history of my msn email, nobody has ever figured out that it is in tolkien's elvish, let alone guessed correctly any of what the words mean. nor has anyone ever found out on their own what the whole thing means. i am in complete shock and awe now that someone has TIS AMAZING O.O

today i drove big harrier again. i am getting too comfortable with it, i am afraid suzie will not give me such a satisfying ride anymore. on the way to the library, i passed the quad and heard the cheering and roars from law soccer league finals- year 3s versus year 4s. there were canopies for some spectators- that's law school for you. i watched for a little while but didn't spot brandon on the field and it was hot (and imma white lily, says cass) so i sought out air-con. of course then it had to rain, so i could freeze a little in my attempt to do contract tutorial. i like how some things are certain.

things that are certain:
- i will be slaughtered for moots i thought i might enjoy it but now that i've realised how ridiculous my memorial is, there is no hope
- i will not have enough time to finish studying for exams
- i will wake up late tomorrow morning, as hard as i try, as many alarms as i set, as guilty as i feel when i wake up late

friends i miss thee.

2008-04-11T11:13:00.002+08:00

fly to the sky

2008-04-09T12:47:00.004+08:00

2008-04-09T00:51:00.002+08:00

without knowing it, i went down to kent ridge for the semis and finals of IFG badminton today. i am a little disappointed that it ended so quickly although today was satisfying. after a whole night of matches, we got silver medals... two each because our team is so small everyone could take 2 and still have extras. as much as i thought i've tired of badminton, i have missed playing like that, being part of a team. don't ask me to just be a girl supporting the soccer match, or cheering, not being part of it in some way la. i'm not sure if i'd find that satisfying :/

okay i have now run out of excuses to ignore the coming exams and moots. ARGH THIS IS IT.

2008-04-06T10:22:00.003+08:00

I WANT A BREAK A BREAK A BREAK A KIT KAT.

badminton this week has been my respite. i actually look forward to the next game, i'd nearly forgotten how training could make us laugh (before PT came crashing down on us- "6 X 8, start stretching.")

2008-04-03T22:31:00.002+08:00

SO ANNOYED WTH WTH DO NOT APPRECIATE KTHNX.

yesterday i was the only girl in the law team for ifg badminton out of 5 players. there were only enough people to field for 3/5 games (y) guhhhh i am so out of touch it almost isn't funny (still a bit funny la). i sent my partner running for all the shots but since it's mixed doubles, uhhh nvm la huh? i was graded 9/10 for driving (1 mark deducted for beating red light?) by the only other year 1 playing and ate a mountain of food disproportionate to how much i had to work on court. overall it was a break from the routine of school and another excuse to not face mootprepcrimpresentationlegaltheoryforumclosinghowhowhow.

31st march 2008

2008-04-01T23:58:00.005+08:00

we picnicked near the symphony stage in near complete darkness...

but as usual, wj provided pretty candles for light.

we had mushroom linguine, potato salad, ginger beer, cupcakes.

20 donuts with 20 candles make a pretty, strange birthday cake.

but ming loved us enough to blow each one delicately.

sparklers reminiscent of primary school where anything involving fire was scary but exciting.

when i got home my throat was hoarse, as usual. we need to stop singing (rather, screaming) songs, even when we have some place like the botanic gardens all to ourselves.

2008-03-30T21:31:00.003+08:00

if i kept a food blog, today would deserve a long long post with many pictures ((((: good dimsum at shang palace and dinner at one of my favourite hokkien restaurants, beng thin. i cannot keep a food blog because i can never remember to take photos of the food when it comes. i admire how good it looks for a little more than a second, and then i have to taste it. ~~if i ever have to lose any of my senses, let the last one be taste.~~ i must not lose any of my senses.

2008-03-30T12:08:00.003+08:00

i have three mosquito bites on the back of one leg, all from ccab.

slightly more than a month to r&r. I CANNOT WAIT i want to lock myself up at home and not see anybody, not talk to anybody, and learn to be detached again. or i will go to the mountains of nepal and stay with buddhist monks who will wake me at 6 to meditate, not let me use anything that beeps, not eat any meat. don't laugh, i'm being serious.

2008-03-28T20:37:00.002+08:00

last few days have been heavenly. alternating between lazing the day away, and playing lots of sports. i have neglected work shamelessly, but then what is new?

2008-03-27T21:09:00.002+08:00

note: turn down volume

yesterday i was convinced by my dad that i don't really want an ordinary phone, i want an iphone because it's so much cooler and all the bugs and lousy camera that turned me off it in the last few weeks don't matter because it's so cool i must reconsider. in the meantime, i must resist the temptation to smash my phone to the ground every time it hangs/ shuts down/ lags. today i was convinced that i must watch the movie sky of love, even though 1. it's a romantic movie 2. it's a v sappy romantic movie 3. it's a really sappy romantic movie that apparently made all the girls cry and the boys pretend not to tear. i don't like this sort of movie :/

okay i'm bored with myself already.

2008-03-26T12:08:00.003+08:00

Isabel Seet, an 18-year-old mechanical engineering student, told the Straits Times newspaper: "My teacher said if a guy looks into my eyes for more than five seconds, it could mean that he is attracted to me and I stand a chance."

wonder what other countries think of us.

my throat is a bit hoarse and i overslept from yesterday's activities. i blame stef for my deprivation of these happy meetings and horse races.

2008-03-23T23:33:00.002+08:00

THE ADRENALINNNNNE

from rushing memorial up to the very last second is too much for me to bear.

aaaaaaaand still the work doesn't end.
nothing seems to end these days. at least the things that i want to end.

2008-03-22T23:12:00.002+08:00

eh want to go holiday?
eh want to go holiday?
eh want to go holiday? (you drive)

everyone really knows how to keep my attention on memorial :/

this good friday weekend has been all about work, work, work. it could have been much more miserable but i have some people to thank. i just had an illuminating conversation with cass, which made me happy for several reasons. besides the obvious, it left me happy because i had something explained to me. it sounds ridiculous considering the subject-matter, but to feel some sort of understanding just made me feel a lot lighter.

2008-03-19T22:29:00.004+08:00

i am still constantly surprised by you. the things that used to make my heart warm, even for a little while, feel insignificant now. i started relying on a few people to make me happy and i regret it. i hate sounding emo and dramatic, but i want to warn: i am cold cold cold and generally not a nice person to be with now.

2008-03-19T00:13:00.001+08:00

sources of sugar for today:

one packet of gummy bears
kinder bueno
chocolate cake
dars dark chocolate
chocolate hello panda
green tea ice cream

2008-03-18T23:22:00.001+08:00

this is all very unfamiliar and unwelcomed.

2008-03-18T10:07:00.005+08:00

i am amazed that i am awake and in crim class.

weekend was too short, even with monday free of lawr class and contract lect. i spent most of yesterday on the momentous task of writing the graded crim essay and actually managed it because i did practically no research. is it too much to cross fingers and ask for a reasonable grade?

i rushed to the esplanade at night to watch the finals of THEATREIDOLS and catch christine in chun li garb :D i didn't say this last night christine, but your play was even better the second time round. big ang moh man said everything i thought (: we left the theatre with a crowd of middle-agers (euphemism for uncles and aunties) and found the rest of the young people in the audience outside waiting for their idol, christine sim.

christine siew andre christine's friend hanyi whom no one but andre recognised and i went to glutton's bay for extravagant carrot cake, mee goreng, the worst-tasting milk tea in the world, and greasy chicken wings. the food was terribly unsatisfying so we ignored the time, undone crim essays and 9 am seminar, and headed for more food and desserts at hk cafe where we stayed until it was impossible to ignore the time and our tired eyes. by the time i got home, showered and finished crim it was 4 and i was so tired i think i fell asleep in a minute.

summary: ((:

2008-03-15T11:26:00.001+08:00

this weekend looks too short already. i am determined to:
- write 1500 words of crap deserving of a reasonable grade, which looks like a daunting task because prof simester is clever and doesn't like many things YMC says so i can't even copy from the text
- start on memorial II so i won't have to hand up late AGAIN and still get all my citations wrong and overshoot the word count (i cannot say how much this stings okay)
- trounce andre and lionelong@gmail at badminton. i get so agitated just hearing people say they have a chance at winning
- accomplish all that without sacrificing time for family or my sanity

whenever i take people for granted, or become so selfish as to be indifferent to what they're doing for me, the world finds a way to remind me.

2008-03-14T15:38:00.001+08:00

i want to be as immune and untouchable as my 16-year-old self, and i'm starting RIGHT. NOW.

2008-03-13T00:01:00.002+08:00

the weather is lovely, but lunch was lovelier. until i had to run about in squash court with too-full stomach, that is. i drove home admiring the rain droplets racing down my car windows, and was reminded of christine pressing her hand against the glass outside the LT. i sacrificed lawr time to bond further with the TV and wii; boxing is my new favourite. and then on top of the rich food i had today, i ate from two tubs of b&j's. FOOD IS LOVE OF MY LIFE (sorry everyone else) :D:D i end my night with eyes half-closed, stomach half-empty, boggle scores half what they should be.

goodnight, goodnight.

2008-03-11T18:28:00.002+08:00

today i feel more like rachel than rach.
#1 lesson learnt in crim: it sucks to be named marcus.
our picnic was gatecrashed by a whole bunch of kids and parents when the skies opened up and made our picnic a not-picnic.
i spent 70 cents today. IN ALL. is that not amazing?
i know what i am doing, do you?

2008-03-09T21:01:00.002+08:00

i very very very much want a break.

l: hows school ah
r: honestly?
l: can be better for you?
l: which part?
l: the canteen part?

louis reminded me last night of one part of myself that hasn't changed, haha.

i will trust that everything will change for the better.

for brian

2008-03-08T01:02:00.001+08:00

(although he won't read this, i will find some way to say this to him.)

march 03, 2007

"i can't explain how i felt seeing friends who'd done badly, and not just badly in the oh i have Cs, or i have all Bs but badly like i can't go anywhere, i'm not sure if i can even go to uni kind of badly. i have so much respect for them now, because none of them have allowed their results to beat them down or let them feel like it's the end of the world. rather they want to find success, they haven't written themselves off, they want to get to where others will, even if they have to take alternative routes that are far less conventional, pleasant, easy.

i'm willing to bet anything they will. and i'd like to think that eventually, these slips of paper won't count for anything, anything at all."

2008-03-07T23:58:00.002+08:00

happy, but it's not surprising. we boxed (and laughed) until we were covered in sweat, played guitar hero until our eyes were tired for us. i am a bit hungry now because all we had for dinner was sandwiches, chips, some clam chowder soup and ice cream, and boxing took a lot of that away. i don't know why i allow myself this only once a week! WHY AH?

today a' level results were released. one year ago i sat down in front of mr chong while he solemnly gave me my result slip. a lot of my friends did worse than i could have imagined, so the relief for sister today was huge. i want her to go to law school too, which is strange but maybe says something about how i feel about school?

or maybe just don't want to fight over the car la, haha.

EH NO POSTING OF VIDEOS FROM TODAY

2008-03-07T14:26:00.000+08:00

it is insane how much i want.

wednesday, i went to see my theatre idol, christine.
standing outside, wondering why she wasn't there yet or picking up calls: "christine is going to be late for her own play." i would have liked to see the play in its original form, with all its other stories. with christine's imagination don't expect me to believe that's all there is, happening on stage. i wanted to shout, show me more! greedy.

i went for my second golf lesson yesterday, and felt quite pleased with my improvement from the first lesson when the furthest i could hit with a good shot was 50m. yesterday we starting hitting without the rubber tee, i graduated to a heavier club, and nearly reached 100m. i like golf, can you tell? (i know i'm asking for more age jokes, but it's a nice change- doing something repetitively, slowly, the satisfaction when you get that one sweet connection with the ball and you know you hit it right.) 150 shots with butt sticking out and knees aching, then we went for dinner at... swenson's. the last time i ate a proper meal at swenson's was at mr wong's birthday in j1 o.o

andre told the waitress it was jess's birthday and could we please have a candle with her apple pie? we watched them deliver it to the table beside us. it would have been funnier if they'd burst into song for the puzzled diners there.

i went home feeling like a person with too big a conscience, and with renewed determination to do crim readings but alas, succumbed to msn and hotmail. woke up today to realise i was late, and i didn't want to go to crim, so i went back to bed and woke up later to spend lunch admiring our new tv. julia says we will go blind playing guitar hero on it and i think i can see why. i also want to start a new account with ezyvideo.

no more words already

2008-03-05T13:13:00.003+08:00

i just woke up, hair messy because i slept without drying wet hair and head pounding because i slept without drying wet hair. i just woke up, and i want to SHOUT I CANNOT WAIT I CANNOT STAND ASIDE ANYMORE WHY ARE YOU SO GOOD I HOPE YOU KNOW WHAT YOU ARE DOING WHY AM I DISAPPOINTED BY YOU WHEN YOU MEAN NOTHING BUT EVEN IF YOU DO KNOW PLEASE STOP IF I COULD I WOULD LEAVE

2008-03-04T00:03:00.002+08:00

back to school was a little tougher than i imagined. i hope i have not changed so much that i have abandoned my way of preparing for the worst; it is enough that i've changed in these few months. i have not yet decided if this change is good or bad, but it is definitely unexpected and rather un-welcomed.

in the meantime, won't you all go on reminding me what i am like, what i believe in, and what keeps me going?

2008-03-01T00:25:00.003+08:00

IT IS MARCH

2008-02-28T00:35:00.002+08:00

this evening was spent here:

meatballs, hand puppets, v comfy sofas. we walked around looking for the best places to remain hidden past closing time, spotted all the security cameras like in ocean's 11, i hid in a cupboard with a white stuffed dog (cody) until my leg had pins and needles. next time, i will bring toothbrush and we will attempt to spend one night there. maybe after we've studied crim law and know all the possible defences to trespass.

halfway through second meal at HK cafe, daddy called to ask me to go home earlier because there was a JI terrorist on the loose and the police were blocking roads trying to catch him. reminded me of ming who likes to regale the time my father told me to take a cab home when the US had a terrorist attack.

i must have sounded extraordinarily happy.
d: WHO IS THE GUY WHO IS MAKING YOU HAPPY!

it would be easy if everything in this world could be explained like that right (:

my phone is spoilt and sometimes i cannot sms, so sorry guys if i don't reply.

2008-02-27T12:47:00.002+08:00

the smiley-ness will not end, not even when i wake up with aching arms and the sun shining too brightly, not even when i feel certain this will not last. i am guarding it with all i have because i have missed this lightness for far, far too long. it's already wednesday and i know i ought to be catching up on work a little, but i want to soak in this bliss while i still can. the last two days have felt so short and i know before long i will be back in hibernation-worthy legal theory classes.

i am also growing a new mole; another of my changes.

i used to think that i'd rather not enjoy or get used to something so much if i know i cannot have it for long. why allow myself to be dependent and then lost when things change? (because -all together now- the only constant in life is change.)

this question didn't creep into my brain yesterday. maybe it should have but i've changed enough to say, it doesn't matter, i don't care. i will have what i can now, and languish later.

2008-02-27T00:09:00.000+08:00

why so happy rachel, why?

(((((((((: i'm tired AND I KNOW WHY

2008-02-23T15:03:00.002+08:00

heart swells often these days, whether with love or pain i still don't like it. i cannot get used to feeling so much, but still. you are all making me heavy with emotions. Neruda takes it right out from inside me: i love you without knowing how, or when, or from where.

2008-02-21T11:07:00.002+08:00

i open a window to blog, and then decide to forget it.

'x'

2008-02-16T20:25:00.001+08:00

stomach pain like shit i am never eating in the canteen again

2008-02-15T01:05:00.006+08:00

thursday:

i now have great respect for florists, and i am glad i am not a boy who has to do the whole flowers and surprise thing every now and then. i had a wonderful time picking out flowers, cutting arranging wrapping, waking up to plant them in various places to surprise friends. i can now understand how some people enjoy this sort of thing. i left home half-asleep, but came back feeling very excited and impatient (: the rest of the day was spent with less mushy-ness, but as much love <3>i was looking forward to it so much i caught myself smiling unconsciously during class. see how much i love you guys?

there is only one day in the year all of this isn't overwhelming. only on valentine's day do attempts at romancing not seem so scary because it seems more corny than anything else, haha! i cannot take anything serious seriously when people are walking around carrying pink heart balloons and candy-coloured flowers. again, i am glad i am not a boy (:

"are you touched?"
"mmmmmmmmmmmmmm..."

i got my car plate fixed, and now it says 'rachel' on the frame. i haven't decided if the uncle was just being generous, printing it for free, or if he thought i needed my name on my car plate to identify my own car. in one day, my car gets named rachel, i get mistaken for another rachel, and i get a bear named rachel.

i didn't take photos of flowers because i was too anxious to get them into some water before they wilted, but they are v pretty. stef's gebera (at the back of my car), smiley sunflower, and hugeass roses. i indifferently said roses are boring, and had to take it all back. it depends entirely on who they're from, but that's stating the obvious la. hopefully these last longer than all the other flowers that have died in my care.

2008-02-14T02:03:00.001+08:00

hands want to do nothing but rest in pockets forever so tired from making presents but still must find enough energy to say this: today was better (:

2008-02-12T23:34:00.000+08:00

like the man in the history of love, i am losing words. soon, i will be left with 'yes', 'no', or the more often used 'i don't know'. hopefully 'please' and 'thank you' will be the last to leave, so i can maintain my princess thing which cass so adamantly sticks by. when i have two words, maybe i will tattoo them on my palms too, so i can raise my left or right hand, depending on the question.

today was a long long day. dinner was satisfying but only because of the company, i suspect. and the cheesecake. always, something like food to help.

2008-02-10T17:16:00.000+08:00

i am dressed in my favourite new shirt and in a while i will have to go to a restaurant to make sure there are 23 pairs of chopsticks, no plastic chairs, and arrange yu sheng on a big plate before guests arrive. the one silver lining is that there will be a terribly cute boy at dinner who will keep me from falling asleep from listening to businessmen laughter.

i can only blog about the mundane now.

2008-02-06T13:09:00.001+08:00

(last at night)
r: HEY PROTEST TUTORIAL let's not go tmr who has lessons on cny eve LET'S PROTEST SEE YOU NOT TOMORROW
(next morning)
e: huh really not going ah. okay i'll lend you my notes
r: uh kidding la. where's tutorial?
e: coward.

tonight we revived bloody knuckles. now my forearm is red and stings when i brush against it, voice is hoarse and lungs tired from gasping for breath. reunion dinner was nice and slow affair, even though food was slightly disappointing. i would do anything to have steamboat back at blandford drive.

very few places to visit this year, not sure if i can even use the plural actually :/ getting some rest would be nice.

2008-02-04T18:09:00.000+08:00

it is extremely difficult to get down to doing contract tutorial when the temptations of time crisis and watching any of the following movies (27dresses thesavages atonement thedivingbellandthebutterfly) have been thrown in my face.

this morning i woke up and groaned into my pillow because it was 9.08am i.e. lawr lecture had started. i forgot to set my second alarm so i overslept. checked my phone and shouted fuck! (one of those rare moments) because i forgot about sunrise meeting. brain confoozed because wanted to run to ECP even though too late, but also didn't want to leave the house when lecture had already started.

i blorg now only because the alternative is to face contract ):
actually there is boggle but i'm trying to see if the source of my headaches is boggle so i must abstain for a while (like maybe till tonight).

words b-o-g-g-l-e teaches you

2008-02-03T00:55:00.000+08:00

shat (shăt)
v. Vulgar Slang.

A past tense and a past participle of shit.

No results found for dunger.

Did you mean danger (in dictionary) or Danger (in encyclopedia)?

gunnel
noun
1.	wale at the top of the side of boat; topmost planking of a wooden vessel [syn: gunwale]
2.	small eellike fishes common in shallow waters of the northern Atlantic

2008-02-01T23:54:00.000+08:00

i spent most of today sleeping, and when i wasn't sleeping i was eating, watching harry potter on DVD, and playing boggle on facebook. i gave myself the excuse that i'm not feeling all that well but really i am an addict; while concerned friends try to get me to start on stat memo, i ignore the flashing orange alerts and think in grids. die la die la die la. also, i've been having mysterious headaches, it's very strange. weather?

2008-01-30T22:47:00.000+08:00

10.59am: load laptop and contract text into car boot

1.25pm: leave gym bag by the pool
2.45pm: leave club without gym bag

4.35pm: enter cinema
6.15pm: leave cinema shaky

7pm: unload laptop and contract text from car boot

9.16pm: log in to facebook
10.46: sign off facebook

2008-01-29T23:33:00.001+08:00

not just it's going to be better, I'M GOING TO MAKE IT BETTER!

2008-01-27T01:05:00.000+08:00

christine's camera. so pretty! although missing the desperate swans and pidgeons. the slight burn and flaking skin was worth it. today i bought ginger beer to bring next week ((:

2008-01-24T20:31:00.000+08:00

today i woke up to an sms from andre reminding me to go for lunch at curry wok. when i finally got myself out of bed (it gets hard some days), i found ah kong at the bus stop behind and drove him to serangoon gardens. i panicked slightly at how hard he was panting from the walk to the bus stop; at dinner i ate slower and more food than usual with him. by the time i got to coronation road, christine and andre were sitting outside waiting for food. during lunch, christine said we must spend the next 10 (11 for you guys) years preparing for when we turn 30 so we won't be surprised when it hits us. i thought about the next 10 years and felt a little excited, and a little sad. andre met his cousin and shook his hand. either chinese new year has come early or andre is just strange.

lexisnexis was boring schnoring and lawr was a meaningless game of 'what hints can we get for stat memo'. i tried to blow an ant off the table but lungs not strong enough. time to hit the gym, i think. i also think i like my lawr classmates.

today was good, but i don't like why.

2008-01-23T00:25:00.000+08:00

years of MSN, and this is what i have to show for it:

116 words

Touch Typing online

2008-01-21T00:18:00.000+08:00

struggle struggle struggle struggle why so hard struggle struggle struggle struggle

2008-01-19T23:46:00.000+08:00

i did not think it possible but I AM IN LOVE ((((((((((:

2008-01-19T00:37:00.001+08:00

start fresh tomorrow.

2008-01-18T23:29:00.000+08:00

classes have been better than last sem so far, friends have been around and i wish i had enough time for all of them. occasionally i get lucky and feel happy, i'm eating well and sleeping (nearly) enough.

2008-01-15T22:23:00.001+08:00

today was a long day but also a good day. picnic at botanic gardens saw us sitting in the shade of a tree near the water where the pidgeons (unfortunately) liked to fly around, eating a variety of yummy food. when it was time to leave for lecture, my butt was damp from wet grass and sun made me warm and bit sleepy. siewchi's picnic mats are still in my car boot, think we should keep them there and picnic again next week but with real food this time (:

lessons ended at 5 plus (wah can die) and we met shezfaze for dinner + waffles, because it is tuesday. she was right, it really feels like we just have not seen her in a while and not that she went thousands of miles away to live a v different life. which is very nice and comforting (:

after that stef and i blew more cash at the arcade on time crisis. one word: shiok :D our plan is to train to finish it in 1 token, and then we go to a v crowded arcade and wow all the young kids and then they'll worship us and call us grandmasters. very ambitious, i know.

rest of the week looks good (((: i almost do not envy my sister for having her post-A's break.

2008-01-14T21:39:00.000+08:00

i should have worn lucky underwear today!

today would not have been half-bad if lawr had not dumped a truckload of work on us. one day when i become dean of this law school, i will give lawr more credits. maybe like 12 credits, but definitely at least 8. of course, this is after i become Lord Tannery MR, possibly the world's most long-winded judge in love with her own voice.

see? i have specific goals and aspirations; i have direction in life. life is thus perfect.

2008-01-13T17:24:00.000+08:00

why is school starting so soon? especially after this week )): i've never felt so so so reluctant to go back. when did we start to have so much to deal with?

emo nemo :/ i must remind myself that things always look better in retrospect. this cannot be the worst i've ever felt.

2008-01-11T00:48:00.000+08:00

i am so annoyed with myself for being so lousy for someone who's 20 i mean i'm practically an adult why can i not do the simplest things also why is my EQ so low that people have to wish a higher EQ for me? i am so annoyed with myself that i bit my lip until a cut formed and i tasted blood i am also feeling much too full from supper and that adds to annoyance also i am annoyed that it took me so many days to find out where the button was on the message bear because it deprived me of hearing that recording a few more times WOW i am really annoyed with myself.

2008-01-07T02:18:00.000+08:00

this last weekend before i turn 20 has been full of surprises of all kinds. it's as if the world wants to remind me to never get complacent or too comfortable.

things i've learnt or been reminded of this weekend:
1. mushrooms taste good with almost anything
2. i can play nerdy game like boggle and sleep on strange bed and still have wonderful time
3. it is a good idea to do a review, to keep my stupidity in check
4. i cannot seem to stop missing people
5. i am starting to feel so much that i don't feel like myself sometimes. i cannot mistake this change for growth, or maturity, because it's far from it. i'm not getting wiser or smarter, i haven't yet learnt to recognise and identify these feelings and emotions. in short, i am not yet a 20-year-old (this is not denial this is not denial).

2008-01-03T22:33:00.000+08:00

landing at changi airport always feels comforting, no matter how much i've enjoyed being away, waking to an unfamiliar landscape, breathing a different air. while watching the driver haul our luggage cases and 6 hand carry bags (all stuffed with snacks, moochi, my mother's handbags, and my father's ceramic pots), i was reminded of part of the reason why i boarded the plane bound for home. i headed for wan jun's after for dinner with 4 wonderful people and a cat (gatecrasher) and ended the night with windows wound down and death cab playing on the car stereo.

if i could have days like that in 2008, i think i will be pretty content with my year.

2007-12-29T16:08:00.000+08:00

konnichiwa.

driven many miles and eaten many many meals i will come back with many many snacks and be very huggable see you all soon.

i think.

i don't want to leave! ):